Film-style poster for the Ask, Don’t Tell presentation

A guide for coaches: Ask, Don’t Tell

How to run coaching sessions where your coachee does the thinking and leaves with a plan.

English

What this guide covers

A clear contract

Agree the contract in the first session

Goals, rhythm, confidentiality and how either of you ends it, on one page.

Our coaching agreementOne page

GoalsTwo, written in our wordsRhythmEvery 3 weeks, 60 minutesConfidentialWhat we say stays hereOut of scopePerformance reviewsMid-point reviewMonth 3EndingEither of us, no blame

Michael C.

Emily P.

A structure for each session

Give each session a simple structure

Goal, reality, options and way forward keep the hour moving toward a decision.

G

GoalWhat do you want from today?

R

RealityWhat is happening now?

O

OptionsWhat could you try?

W

Way forwardWhat will you do, and by when?

Questions before suggestions

Ask before you suggest anything

Your coachee finds most answers when your questions come first.

Ask What are you weighing?

Show options Here are three options I have seen.

Label your view My opinion, not a fact: try the second.

Your call. What will you do?

When feedback backfires

Keep feedback on the task

Feedback helps on average, but it hurts when attention moves to the person.

1 in 3 Feedback interventions that lowered performance, more than a third of them Kluger & DeNisi, Psychological Bulletin, 1996

Ending with a plan

End every session with an if-then plan

Ask your coachee to say when and where they will take the first step.

Ifit is Monday, 9:00 thenI book 15 minutes with my manager

Week 1Week 2Week 3Week 4

The limits of confidentiality

Say the limits of confidentiality early

Your coachee should know what you keep private and what you never can.

What we discuss stays between us
Their manager gets no report without their consent
Except a law broken or someone at risk
Said in the first session, written in the contract

Doing it on Mentornity

Run your sessions on Mentornity

Your program holds your hours, the session plan, your notes and the forms.

Open your coaching hours

Set weekly or one-off slots your coachees can book.

Connect your calendar

Busy hours stay closed and video links are created automatically.

Follow the session plan

A structured program gives each session a title and brief.

Visible or hidden notes

Your coachee gets visible notes by email, never hidden ones.

Forms before and after

Your coachee’s answers are ready when the session starts.

Open your coaching hours

Set weekly or one-off slots your coachees can book.

My availability

Istanbul (GMT+3)

Weekly Availabilities

Set the hours that repeat every week.

Every Monday 09:00 – 12:00 Zoom · Gives 6 meetings of 30 min
Every Tuesday 14:00 – 16:00 Google Meet · Gives 4 meetings of 30 min
Every Wednesday 13:00 – 15:00 Mentornity Video · Gives 4 meetings of 30 min Add
Every Thursday 10:00 – 11:30 Microsoft Teams · Gives 3 meetings of 30 min

Busy times in your Google Calendar are closed to bookings.

Start Time13:00 End Time15:00 Duration of each meeting30 min

Meeting Format

Mentornity VideoZoomGoogle MeetMicrosoft Teams

Save

Susan Whitfield Coach

Wednesday, March 11

Mentornity Video · 30 min

13:0013:3014:0014:30

Meeting scheduled

Connect your calendar

Busy hours stay closed and video links are created automatically.

Follow the session plan

A structured program gives each session a title and brief.

Meetings

3 of 4 meetings done

3Mar Kick-off & expectations Tue · 14:00 · 45 min
10Mar Strengths & skills Tue · 14:00 · 45 min
12Mar Goal setting & career mapping Thu · 14:00 · 45 min Meeting scheduled Schedule a meeting Confirm and book
Networking plan Schedule a meeting

Goal setting & career mapping

Thu, Mar 12 · 14:00–14:45 Join video call

Coach sees

Coachee sees

Ask about their top three goals and help them pick one for the next 90 days.

Pre-meeting questions

What do you already know about their goals?

Post-meeting questions

Which next step did you agree on?

Bring your top three goals. You will leave with one to focus on for 90 days.

Pre-meeting questions

Which goal do you want to focus on?

Post-meeting questions

How confident are you in your plan?

Visible or hidden notes

Your coachee gets visible notes by email, never hidden ones.

Meeting notesEmily P.

Visible noteEmailed to the participants at once Emailed

Agreed: lead the next team update, rehearse on Thursday.

update-outline.pdfUp to 10 files

Hidden noteOnly you and the program admins

Forms before and after

Your coachee’s answers are ready when the session starts.

1Open your coaching hours

My availability

Istanbul (GMT+3)

Weekly Availabilities

Set the hours that repeat every week.

Every Monday 09:00 – 12:00 Zoom · Gives 6 meetings of 30 min
Every Tuesday 14:00 – 16:00 Google Meet · Gives 4 meetings of 30 min
Every Wednesday 13:00 – 15:00 Mentornity Video · Gives 4 meetings of 30 min Add
Every Thursday 10:00 – 11:30 Microsoft Teams · Gives 3 meetings of 30 min

Busy times in your Google Calendar are closed to bookings.

Start Time13:00 End Time15:00 Duration of each meeting30 min

Meeting Format

Mentornity VideoZoomGoogle MeetMicrosoft Teams

Save

Susan Whitfield Coach

Wednesday, March 11

Mentornity Video · 30 min

13:0013:3014:0014:30

Meeting scheduled

2Connect your calendar

3Follow the session plan

Meetings

3 of 4 meetings done

3Mar Kick-off & expectations Tue · 14:00 · 45 min
10Mar Strengths & skills Tue · 14:00 · 45 min
12Mar Goal setting & career mapping Thu · 14:00 · 45 min Meeting scheduled Schedule a meeting Confirm and book
Networking plan Schedule a meeting

Goal setting & career mapping

Thu, Mar 12 · 14:00–14:45 Join video call

Coach sees

Coachee sees

Ask about their top three goals and help them pick one for the next 90 days.

Pre-meeting questions

What do you already know about their goals?

Post-meeting questions

Which next step did you agree on?

Bring your top three goals. You will leave with one to focus on for 90 days.

Pre-meeting questions

Which goal do you want to focus on?

Post-meeting questions

How confident are you in your plan?

4Visible or hidden notes

Meeting notesEmily P.

Visible noteEmailed to the participants at once Emailed

Agreed: lead the next team update, rehearse on Thursday.

update-outline.pdfUp to 10 files

Hidden noteOnly you and the program admins

5Forms before and after

Write your contract before the next session

One page: goals, rhythm, confidentiality and how either of you can end it.

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