A guide for mentees: When It Isn’t Working
What to do when your mentoring is not helping, or feels wrong.
What this guide covers
What this guide covers
What this guide covers
How common it is
Many mentees have a bad match
Over half of 156 protégés had at least one negative mentoring relationship.
What goes wrong
A poor fit leads the list
A mismatch in the pair came first, then a distant mentor and manipulation.
- Mismatch in the pair 4646
- Mentor keeps a distance 4141
- Manipulation 3939
- Lacks expertise 2929
- General dysfunction 1313
What it costs you
A bad match costs you
In formal programs, the worst experiences weighed more on stress and wanting to leave.
- More stress
- More wish to leave
Warning signs
Spot the warning signs
Watch for cancelled meetings, one-sided talks, no progress or feeling uneasy.
- Meetings keep moving or falling away
- Your mentor talks, you listen
- No progress on your goal
- You feel uneasy before meetings
Raising it
Raise it with your mentor first
Name one thing, say its effect, and suggest one change.
- Our last two meetings were moved. Can we fix a regular slot? About the rhythm.
- I would like more time on my question. Can I bring the agenda? About the meeting.
Getting help
Ask the program team for help
Good programs set rules for endings and new matches, and their staff help.
- A talk with the team what is not working
- A new match when the fit is wrong
- A closing planned, not silent
What to report at once
Report anything that crosses a line
Pressure, requests for money, unwanted contact or harassment: tell the program team at once.
- Pressure or threats
- Requests for money or favours
- Unwanted contact
- Harassment of any kind
Ending well
End with a goodbye, not silence
In 48 ended pairs, some planned goodbyes never happened, so ask for one.
- Fading away no one says anything
- Goodbye planned but never held
- Goodbye held thanks and a clear end
Mentornity in Claude
Use Mentornity from Claude
Ask in your own words; Claude finds meetings, opens your hours and drafts your messages.
Connect it once
Add Mentornity in Claude or another MCP assistant, then sign in.
Ask in your own words
Find a slot, move a meeting, read profiles, fill in forms.
A preview before every change
Claude shows what will happen; nothing changes until you say yes.
Disconnect any time
Claude sees only what you see; Settings shows what it did recently.
Connect it once
Add Mentornity in Claude or another MCP assistant, then sign in.
Ask in your own words
Find a slot, move a meeting, read profiles, fill in forms.
A preview before every change
Claude shows what will happen; nothing changes until you say yes.
Disconnect any time
Claude sees only what you see; Settings shows what it did recently.
Sources
The research behind this presentation
- Eby, L. T., McManus, S. E., Simon, S. A. & Russell, J. E. A. (2000) The protégé’s perspective regarding negative mentoring experiences: The development of a taxonomy Journal of Vocational Behavior, 57(1), 1-21
- Eby, L. T. & Allen, T. D. (2002) Further investigation of protégés’ negative mentoring experiences: Patterns and outcomes Group & Organization Management, 27(4), 456-479
- MENTOR: The National Mentoring Partnership (2015) Elements of Effective Practice for Mentoring, Fourth Edition MENTOR, Boston
- Spencer, R., Basualdo-Delmonico, A., Walsh, J. & Drew, A. L. (2017) Breaking up is hard to do: A qualitative interview study of how and why youth mentoring relationships end Youth & Society, 49(4), 438-460
Say it early
One honest message now saves months of meetings that do not help.